Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Sometimes it just seems hopeless

Life has a tendency to reach a point where everything just feels hopeless. As if you are not only in a rut but life has stalled on a plateau. You just feel lost. I have reached that point. I tend to reach it every so often. 

The crazy thing is, there is a lot of good in my life right now. Others probably don't view my life as hopeless like I do but that is probably also because I don't share everything. 

In a recent therapy sessions (all diabetics should see a psychologist -- it helps immensely!), we discussed how I need to be challenged. That I do much better when I'm challenged with things. And how when there are no challenges I allow my mind to dwell on what I perceive to be negatives. It makes sense. I'm sure it plays a role in why I'm feeling hopeless. Although I do have some challenges at the moment, they aren't all time consuming like when I was working towards my APR

I'm trying to figure out a way to get out of this rut and to stop feeling hopeless but I am struggling. Massively struggling. When I start feeling like this I toy with the idea of moving but the entire "owning a house" concept throws a wrench in that. It is obvious I need to make changes in my life, both small and big, but identifying them and making a game plan is kind of challenging. 

Since starting the pump, I've been gaining weight. An insane amount of weight. I've gone from a comfortable size 2/4 to at times double digits. I'm eating quite healthy and have been working on lowering my carbs per meal (average of 25 for breakfast and 50 for lunch and dinner). I've been working out but fell off the wagon because April was a month of pure chaos. If anyone has suggestions on how I can get back up and stay motivated, that would be great. I don't like at all being this large. Some of my favorite clothing items are my smaller sizes. I miss those clothes. I realize men probably find me ugly and/or disgusting because I'm not model thin and surprise, surprise, this is leading to feeling hopeless. 

So that is battle number one. If I can be successful with losing weight, I think a lot of other things will fall into place because I'll feel more confident and comfortable with myself. 

My therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone, which is why I held a dinner party. I forced myself out of the comfort zone in April by taking myself to the Kathy Griffin show in Tulsa. I had so much fun and was able to "lose myself" and completely relax and have fun. This month I managed to snag a ticket to the OKC Thunder playoff game against the LA Clippers. Again, I went alone but I still managed to have fun. I would have had a lot more fun if they had won or been more competitive. For a brief moment with all of those events, nothing seemed hopeless to me. I need to find more opportunities like those. 

There is a big elephant in the room I believe is the main source for life feeling hopeless. And no, it's not dating. Just something that can't be discussed in an "open to the entire world" public forum. :) I'm trying to fix the elephant but each potential path turns into a dead end and that is beyond frustrating. I'm nearly at my wit's end. 

Overall though, this feeling isn't causing too many issues with my blood sugars. For that I am thankful. I have had some highs here and there but not consistently. 

Have any of you ever felt this way? How'd you get out of the rut? Do you know where to get a map of life because I could absolutely use one at the moment.