Tuesday, September 9, 2014

It is time...

It is time to get serious. I've mentioned here and there in various blogs about my need to lose weight. I'm not happy with my current weight or how I look. Granted, the disgust I have for my body relates to more than society informing me of how we should all look like Kate Upton (who, to be fair, is beautiful and she should not be shamed for that fact.)

Here is current situation. For several years I worked hard and got my weight to where I was comfortable with it and was happy with how I looked. Sure, I wanted to look better but I didn't hate myself. 

Following the day of seizures in 2012, I was placed on anti-seizure medicine. Seemed like a good idea but it turns out I am allergic to that medicine. I went from a steady 115 pounds to about 85 founds between mid-March and mid-July. You could see my rib cage. My hip bones were sticking out. Size 00 shorts were falling off. It was ugly. I was ugly. I loved being skinny but even I was aware I shouldn't be that skinny. 

They took me off the medicine and encouraged me to not really pay attention to what I was eating and to not stress about working out. My weight steadily increased but not at a fast enough pace to send me into a tizzy. Then I was placed on the pump and my weight dramatically (to me) jumped. And here we are. Back at not liking how I look. Being disgusted when I look at myself in the mirror or in pictures. If you are curious to why I find myself disgusting it is from being sexually harassed and assaulted in college. No matter what others tell me, no matter what I try to convince myself of, these men picked me to act upon because I was fat. They must have seen it as a free pass. They probably thought "Well, she's fat and not that good looking. She'll consider it her lucky day to have this attention because no other man is going to touch her." And when I look at myself in the mirror, I don't ever want to look like that again. To me, if I look like that again, I lose. I lose my right to be safe. I lose. If I look like that again, I lose and they have justification for doing what they want. 

So, my quest to lose weight might be somewhat vain but when you get to the foundation of it, it isn't vain. It is a psychological battle. 

And that brings me to the purpose of this blog post. It isn't to whine and throw a pity part of what I've experienced. The point of this post is to ask you all for help. Tell me what has worked for you in efforts to lose weight. I have friends on Twitter encouraging me to try Weight Watchers. What else? I love carbs. How can I cut them out? I'm a picky eater. How can I learn to try and like new foods, healthier foods. Such as cauliflower. I try to walk for an hour a night on my treadmill. Is that enough? What else can I do? How can I counter the weight increase for the increase of insulin from the pump?

I need all sorts of advice, tips and feedback so please leave it in the comments. Share this post with others so they can share their advice, tips and feedback.

I need to get back to my comfort zone if for no other reason than to have my mind back in a peaceful place. And the vain part of me also wants to be back in my comfort zone so I can wear a swimsuit again in December when my family returns to the Caribbean. 

1 comment:

  1. Kristin, I know this is late, but here's my advice: If you're doing your best, you never have to be ashamed of who you are or how you look. Other than that, working out a lot always helps me get toned and eventually curb my apetite. Of course, you wouldn't know it if you saw me right now. Love the blog... Good luck!

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